The last night

Tonight is the last night of being a mother of one baby.  One beautiful, sweet, darling baby (who loves the cream filling from the donuts at DK Diner).  I've been excited for #2's arrival since we learned he'd be joining us.  But the sadness of saying goodbye to my singleton relationship with Emma has been growing steadily until now it overwhelms almost everything else.

I think that the main factor is that 16 months is a great age for a baby!  Emma is so fun to be with.  She is absorbing new ideas, synthesizing information at a speed I can hardly keep up with, and learning to make us laugh with her adorable sense of humor.  She has just begun to consistently call me mama (a word preceded by many... most notably "shoes").  She endears herself to me by calling out for me when she needs something.  While she lights up for daddy's dramatic arrival every evening, I'm the one she reaches for when something hurts or doesn't feel quite right.  It's as if finally my love for her is no longer unrequited.

So the steady uptick of pregnancy excitement has been paired with this sadness.  I know that I won't love my girl any less.  But I do know that there will be less of me available to her, at a time when she's just begun to articulate how much of me she wants in her life.  It makes me sad to know she will never remember these days where she was my one and only.  She will always know life as part of a pack, and will never remember when mommy's attentions were focused solely on her.  I know it's better that way... but it is sad to me.

***

So yeah, it's the last night.  We're having a scheduled C-section tomorrow.  When I found out I was pregnant with #2, I never really considered a VBAC.  Which is funny considering what a process it was to get over having a C with Emma.  As it turns out, like last time, this decision wouldn't have been mine to make in the end anyways.  As the weeks have progressed, my blood pressure's been a risin'.  To the point now that it's starting to effect other systems in my body.  The main concern at this point is my platelet count, which has been dropping over the past few weeks.  The doc moved up my C date after my last round of labs, so tomorrow is the day whether we like it or not!  March 24 will make a good birthday--easy to remember and fun to celebrate as it is the day after JMT's mom's birthday.