How Mama got her groove back

The past few weeks have been trying for JMT and I. He has been involved in a very time consuming and frustrating project at work, and I seem to be spending more nights in work-related meetings than before. The juggling act that this has forced us into has been a hard one to master. Thankfully, being close to our parents has meant that we can enlist their help fairly often. We’ve worked out a routine on the night’s that JMT is on his own, in which one or the other grandma comes over before we arrive home and gets dinner started, and then helps him get the kids fed, bathed and to bed. He still hasn’t had a full night on his own with both kids—something he is very thankful and appreciative about.


While I’ve used my mom’s help on a number of occasions, I’ve been finding an odd sense of satisfaction running the night-time routine on my own on the nights that JMT works late. I’m not as conflicted this time around about striking the balance between working and staying home with the kids—I’ve made peace with being a working mom. But sometimes I miss doing “mom things” like making the family dinner and finger-painting with Emma before bath-time. Owning the nighttime routine from start to finish is like making up for those lost moments. And after those first few weeks of being a mom of two, when I couldn’t fathom juggling two at once with no help, I’ve begun to develop a rhythm.

Here’s how the night goes: Off work between 5 an 5:30. Kids picked up from daycare by 6. Pick up takeout (from a place with a drivethru) on the way home or make a simple dinner (like scrambled eggs and applesauce or pasta with meatsauce). Feed the dogs and let them romp in the yard for a while. Nurse Leo while Emma eats and then scarf down some dinner of my own. Lay Leo down in his crib to be entertained by the musical aquarium while I give Emma a bath. Rock Emma and give her a last cup of milk while we sing our nightly prayers. Then take Leo downstairs for one last round of snacks while I read or watch a little TV. Put Leo down to bed, wash dishes and make the bottles for tomorrow. Then go to bed. Somehow I’m able to do all that and be in bed by 9:30 myself. Strangely, that whole routine takes less time when I’m alone than when JMT is home—I guess because I’m not taking any time for adult conversation or watching our shows.

As much as I miss having him around—and I DO miss having him around!—it’s been nice to find out that I can take care of my family on my own. So much of being a parent is managing and positively channeling anxiety. To not be anxious about whether or not I can manage my family’s nighttime routine is a huge gain in that regard. Not that I’m not plenty anxious about other stuff… like out cross-country plane trip with two kiddos tomorrow… but that’s another story entirely…

In other news, Leo has joined the ranks of the mobile. He can roll from front to back and back to front now, and he can rotate around on the floor a full 360 degrees. Being able to motor around a little bit has made him an even happier baby, and it is a joy to watch him explore his toys with the joy that only a new baby can show.

Standard Operating Procedure

After Emma was born, I wrote a lengthy account of her birth--both for my personal diary keeping purposes, and to help me work through the mixed emotions I was having about things not going according to plan.

To be fair, I feel like I should account for Leo's birth as well.  I'd hate for 12 year old Emma to lord over 11 year old Leo that mama loves her more and she knows it's true because mama wrote an essay about how she was born, and didn't write one about him.  I know that's ridiculous, but I've played the scene in my mind a dozen times already.  They'll fight about enough without my adding literary imbalances to the mix.

So where did Leo come from...  The story is actually a little interesting, in that I had some last minute issues with my blood pressure that could have potentially become dangerous for one or both of us.  Throughout my entire pregnancy with Emma (and my normal, non-pregnant life), my blood pressure was nice and low.  In the 90 over 65-ish range.  Always has been.  Then on the day of my scheduled induction with Emma, it had jumped up to "high".  Can't remember the exact reading, but I recall my OB indicating that if I hadn't already been scheduled to induce, my BP was high enough that she would have recommended it.

I never thought much about that blip in my blood pressure trend during my pregnancy with Leo, until I went in to see my Ohio OB at about my 36 week appointment.  After almost an entire pregnancy with low blood pressure, mine was starting to rise.  At 36 weeks, it was still within the high end of the 'normal' range, but at 37 weeks, it was high enough for the doc to tell me to stop working and order some blood tests.  I ended up having two rounds of bloodwork that showed that my liver enzymes were elevated and my platelet count had dropped by more than half.  Being a good reader of the pregnancy blogs, I was educated about pre-eclampsia and HELLP, and was worried that Leo might not be okay.  After the second round of bloodwork, my OB pushed up the date for my scheduled C-section so that he could get Leo out before things got any worse.  According to the doc, I was still okay (although I did see stars every time I moved my head and I was swollen to the point of craziness), but my condition could go from okay to dangerous in no time at all and there was no need to wait to see if that would happen.

So, on March 24, nine days before his scheduled due date, Leo was born.  A scheduled C-section is SO much less dramatic than an emergency C, and my recovery was a lot easier too--since I didn't have labor to recover from as well.  I arrived at Grant hospital an hour before my scheduled surgery, and due to an overflow situation, got sent to a relatively posh labor and delivery suite for my pre-op activities, instead of one of the tiny triage rooms.  We hung out there for about an hour and a half while I changed into a gown and got prepped for surgery.

After answering a lot of questions, getting an IV, and having visits from my OB and anesthesiologist, I was walked down to the operating room (not wheeled!) and got the the spinal block.  The anesthesiologist added a longer-lasting pain med as well called duramorph (sp?) which lasted for about 24 hours and eliminated the need for IV pain relief after the surgery.  From the time I walked into the OR until I had Leo in my arms was less than 20 minutes.

As comfortable as I felt with the idea of the C, and as excited as I was for Leo to arrive, I had about a dozen episodes of anxiety through all this that felt like I huge pressure and tightening of my chest.  I talked to the docs about it, and since they were constantly measuring my vitals, they knew that it wasn't actually physiological.  The episodes were scary to me, and I worried that they were an indicator of panic attacks to come, but I had the last of them during the surgery and have been fine since.

The best part about my experience this time around compared to last time, was that I was able to hold Leo right away.  As soon as he was cleaned up, I got to hold him skin-to-skin.  Before they even weighed him!  We left the OR with him on my chest and I was able to cuddle with him and nurse him right away.  I kept him with me for over an hour before JMT went with him to the nursery for a bath and to get checked out.  What a treat compared to the isolation I felt when Emma was born and I was relegated to a solitary recovery room with a bored nurse and no one else.

The next best part about this experience was having our families around.  JMT's folks were there for moral support before and after the surgery.  It was a huge relief to JMT, I think, to know there was someone there for him in case something went wrong.  It was great to have his folks hang out with me in recovery while he and Leo were in the nursery.  And it was wonderful to have both sets of our parents around to visit with us, bring food to the hospital, and shuttle Emma around.

My recovery this time around was better too.  I was up and walking around sooner, and braver about what I could and could not do sooner than last time.  It was a little rough at the 24 hour mark when the duramorph ran out, but once I got on a good schedule with my pain meds, I did fine while I was at the hospital.  And with only a few exceptions, I was fairly independent and mobile once I got home as well.

This maternity leave has been so different than my time at home with Emma.  For one, I'm more confident and settled in my routines and approaches to a variety of baby issues.  And also, I'm so much more busy!  Even though Emma spends her weekdays at daycare, it is still a lot of work managing the lives of two kids under 18 months old!  I've spent many hours nursing Leo and thinking about what I should write about this experience, but then I never get a chance to because who has time to write when you have two crazy babies?

My friends inside the computer

A few months back I endeavored to record some of my pearls of mothering wisdom, cultivated from eight whole months of experience, and I always meant to post one more item. This one is about my friends inside the computer. You know, the ones I've never actually met, but who entertain me, educate me, and commiserate with me on a daily basis.

I came upon the genre of "mommy blogs" while I was expecting, and have found endless hours of reading entertainment and a sense of kinship and community that I never would have expected. Here are my favorites:

The Modernity Ward: Mothering stories full of punk-rock awesomeness, archives including PCOS and IUI drama.

Dooce: More punk-rock mothering awesomeness and excellent photography from a recovering Mormon. Dooce is famous for being the blogger that got fired for writing anonymously about work back in the early days of blogginess.

Moxie: A parenting question-a-day advice site with unbelievable archives. Moxie herself is thoughtful and provides great responses, but the true strength is in the daily cadre of loyal commenters who provide support and insights to one another. The archives have questions and answers about any possible parenting concern you might have. Moxie's philosophy and advice have given me confidence to parent Emma in the way that feels best and most natural.

Urban Baby: The exact opposite of Moxie. A snarky bunch of totally anonymous NYC mamas who tear each other to shreds over anything and everything. It's like watching a train-wreck. And addictive. A guilty pleasure.

Those are my friends inside the computer. Who are yours?

Things I've Learned Along the Way--More Books

There are two books that I forgot to add to the last post. And it's funny that I did because one of them was the whole reason I wanted to write the post in the first place!

• The Milk Memos: This book is a compilation of notebooks that some ladies at IBM in Boulder kept in their lactation room. It's full of advice about nursing and pumping. If you're like me, and end up pumping a couple of times a day from work, you're likely conflicted about at least some, if not many, aspects of being a working mother of a new baby. This book is like an old friend who has been down the road before. Full of advice and comfort. I highly recommend that any pumping mom keep a copy of this in her pump bag and pull it out to read frequently during those lonely at-work pumping sessions.
• Sleep is for the Weak: This book is a compilation of humerous and touching blog posts from a variety of "mommy bloggers". I hate the term, but I love the book! Again, a good one to have in the pump bag. And since it's broken into short blog posts instead of long chapters, its easy to read in small bits. Like the three minutes of quiet before the baby realizes that she's laying alone in the Pack-and-Play and NOBODY IS PAYING ATTENTION TO HER!

Things I've Learned Along the Way--Information Overload

I struggle with two competing parts of my personality. One part wants to read and learn everything there is in print (on paper and the web) on whatever particular subject is of interest. I am a prolific researcher, and can find and analyze seventeen different viewpoints on a subject in the time it takes me to eat a granola bar. This is the part of me that makes me a great student, and analytic thinker at work, and a well-informed person in general. Then there’s the other part of me that operates on instinct, and feels terrifically conflicted when too many viewpoints come together and contradict one another. In most parts of my life, I can feel my way through these conflicts, and figure out which data works for me, and which is just background noise. But there are times, especially when the stakes are high, that I experience information overload and I have a hard time finding my way through the pile of thoughts, philosophies and statistics, and seeing the way I should take.

Pregnancy, childbirth and parenting information have brought me to that second place. The stakes are so high. Look at the post below… the person in question here is perfect. If I take the wrong advice, do the wrong thing, I could potentially harm that perfect little being. I know that’s an overstatement, but the overwhelming experience of being a first-time parent doesn’t always lead one to understatement.

As I’ve slogged through the last 4.5 months of new-parenthood and the 9 months before it, I’ve alternated between reading everything I can get my hands on, and periods of “data abstinence” brought on so that I don’t lose my mind. I wholeheartedly recommend stepping away from the bookshelf from time to time, and not letting any overzealous authors, bloggers or web-board posters get under your skin.

I have found some books to be helpful to varying degrees, and wanted to post my thoughts on them.

• The ubiquitous What to Expect When You’re Expecting: Yes, I read it, but no I don’t recommend it. But I don’t recommend against it either. There are no secret pearls of wisdom in this book that aren’t available a hundred other places. That said, it is a decent compendium. Maybe if you don’t have internet access at home, it would be good to have a copy for reference.
• Ditto What to Expect the First Year: I actually have two copies of this. Again, no insights that the internet can’t give me. That said, I do keep a copy by the bed and I do refer to it at night, when I need to read something while the kiddo nurses. If you need a copy, let me know and I’ll send you my spare.
• The Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy: Again, neither here nor there. There’s nothing new under the sun in this type of pregnancy book. But it did give a frank description of some of the less glamorous aspects of pregnancy and birth that others may gloss over or portray as insignificant. And it occasionally exuded some *mild* attitude that I liked. There are some kick-ass bloggers out there, however, that dish this attitude in spades and in a much funnier and more insightful way. I read a used copy from a garage sale. I think I paid the right amount for this book.
• The Nursing Mother’s Companion: I haven’t read a lot of books about breastfeeding, so I can’t give a comparative review, but this book was my best friend in the first few weeks of Emma’s life. Emma and I have had a fairly uncomplicated nursing relationship (good latch, decent supply), so I haven’t needed the expert knowledge of say, a lactation consultant. But I did have a LOT of questions about whether or not I was “doing it right” (e.g. frequency, duration, amount consumed, sleeping arrangements). I found a lot of very useful information in this book and would wholeheartedly recommend it a first-time mother who wants to nurse. I’ve heard that the follow-up books in this series lean toward the judgey-judgey side, so I can’t speak for them. But this one is on my top three list for sure.
• The Happiest Baby on the Block: It’s important to know what this book is for. It is not the answer to all of your baby’s sleep problems. It will not get your baby to “sleep through the night” if he/she is not inclined to do so already. The book is very narrowly focused at methods to get a newborn calm from crying/fussing. And at that, it is very good. Almost eerily good. If you’re expecting, get this book before the kiddo is born and be prepared. You can and should use the methods it suggests starting on day 1. Now that we’re at 4.5 months with Emma, not all of the remedies work anymore like they did in the earliest days, but some are still effective.
• Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child: Where to begin. I’ll try not to be too snarky. I know a lot of people who think this book is the gospel, but I honestly don’t know if they read it. I mean, really read it. Frankly, I don’t know if an editor read it before publication. Yes, it contains a lot of good scientific data about why good sleep patterns are important for a child. But it does not provide a prescriptive method for achieving said sleep. Basically it says, “some people use this one method and it works, others use this other method and it works, and I have no specific advice about which to try.” Then there’s that thing about it being written really poorly which irked me to no end. I am reading a self-help book about baby sleep because my child will not sleep. Consequently, I am tired. Very tired. As is probably just about everyone else who is reading this book. We should not have to re-read a paragraph two or three times to understand what the author is saying. Nor should we have to re-read the same information two to three times in the different (and sometimes even the same!) chapters because you forgot to edit the book. Often the author forgot to even write the book, and instead just posted his cryptic outlines. Okay, enough about that.
• Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems (aka, the Ferber book): This book is on its way to me from Amazon. As noted above, my child will not sleep. At least not for increments greater than 3 hours. I know this is tied to her development cycles and cannot be changed easily. But I’d like to get away from the every two-three hour night nursing schedule we’re currently on. So I need guidance about how to humanely not address all the crying that happens when Emma wakes up and wants to nurse. I know the Ferber method is contentious, but I’m going to at least read the book before I cast judgment. [For those not in the know, the Ferber method proscribes a method of graduated extinction, letting the baby learn to Cry-It-Out or otherwise self-soothe itself back to sleep. A lot of parenting activists believe this is cruel and unusual punishment. I do not yet know what I think.]
• Child of Mine: Feeding with Love and Good Sense: Another I haven’t read yet, but one that comes highly recommended about beginning the transition to solid foods. So far, we think we’re going to attempt a system of baby-led weaning at around 6 months, rather than force-feed pureed baby foods. I’ll report back when I read the book and learn more.

Things I've learned Along the Way--Part I

A good friend of mine from high school told me the other day that she’s pregnant.  I am so excited for her, and I can’t help but think of all the things I’ve learned in the past four months or so that I wish I’d known then.  I’ve been keeping a mental list of things I don’t want to forget for next time around.  So, as time allows, I thought I’d jot them down here for posterity.  Mostly so that the next time I find myself with child, I’ll have a handy reference.  And if I can be helpful to anyone else, all the better.

 

For the hospital stay:

• Don’t worry about packing a small, cute bag.  Pack a bag that’s big enough for everything you think you might want, and has room to spare for the gifts that will likely arrive at the hospital.
• Bring an extra empty tote bag too, just in case you have an overflow situation.
• Bring the Boppy (or other nursing pillow).  It’s hard to position the crappy hospital pillows just right, especially with a C-Section scar.
• Pack at least two pairs of PJs for each day you think you’ll stay there.  Saving room in the bag by not packing enough clothing isn’t a good idea.
• Make sure the clothes you pack are things you don’t ever need to see again, in case lanolin, milk or other stains render them unwearable after the hospital stay.
• Make sure the husband packs enough clothing too.  Maybe he shouldn’t be in charge of packing his own bag.
• Bring snacks or baked goods for the nursing staff. 
• Bring snacks for the husband too.
• Don’t be in a hurry to check out of the hospital.  Taking care of the baby at home is a lot harder than taking care of the baby in the hospital, where you have no other responsibilities besides said baby.  Stay as long as the hospital and your insurance will let you.